The holidays are a super joyous time when you can bask in day drinking, avoiding the outdoors, and gifting your most favorite people with the most annoying children’s toys and gifts. I am sure that one day, when I decide to ruin my body and life with children, someone will gift me and mine with horrible toys. Until then, though, I plan to pay it forward and bestow glitter, drums, and scary stuffed animals on the nieces and nephews in my life—setting their parents up with many joyful, noisy, and sleepless nights.
Let’s dive into some of our most favorite toys and gifts for children that their parents will 100% hate:
1. Anything With Glitter
It’s the herpes of the art world and your friends will be finding it under tables, on walls, finely coating toilet paper, and acting as a fine layer on the bottoms of everyone’s feet. Can you really put a price on a child’s happiness at finding their inner artist?
2. Drum Sets
Omg yayyyyy look at you, nurturing that early musical inclination! This applies to electronic or, like, real drum sets of all varieties. Imagine the look of horror on a parent’s face when their child tears open the wrapping paper and reveals a drum set. Imagine the joy on mine when I know they’ll never experience silence again.
Furbys are the stuff of nightmares. Does anyone else remember their Furby turning on at 3am and laughing or shouting that it loves you? No? Just me? Anyway, it’s incredible that this gremlin robot has lasted for as long as it has, giving you the potential to terrorize a whole new generation with these demonic sh*ts. And forcing parents to deal with traumatized kids during the early morning hours.
4. Pie Face Game
This is SUCH a f*ck-you. If you aren’t familiar, this game requires whipped cream and parents (or other child participants) putting their face in a hole and getting smashed with non-dairy topping. This is also a great gift for people who enjoy utilizing whipped cream in the bedroom. Just saying… they probably have extra laying around.
5. DJ Table
What better way to piss off the parents of small children than by bestowing the gift of a potential DJ career on their kids? Prepare for a future of “PUT YOUR F*CKING HANDS UP” and “HEY HEY HEY THIS IS DJ SPINNY SPINS FRESH OUTTA LONG ISLAND” with this super incredible DJ Table set. It comes with a microphone. Look at that ginger kid go! He’s the most popular child DJ in the neighborhood.
6. Microphone Or Karaoke Games
Watching children scream into a microphone warms my cold, dead heart. C’mon, how many videos have you seen of baby celebrities belting out Whitney Houston ballads or pretending to accept Oscars? Some amazing family friend, aunt, or sibling made that possible. At the time, I bet the parents were PISSED. Look at them now, rolling in the money earned as a result of that first foray into stardom. You can thank me later.
How long before this is driven into a sibling or parents’ hair or crashed into a neighbor’s pool? How long before it lands into the woods? This is guaranteed to start a fight, and I am happy to bring that joy to any family.
8. Anything Alive
Nothing says “I hate you” quite like gifting a 3-year-old with a fish or hamster, destined for death unless a parent intervenes. For the record, this could be a great tool for teaching responsibility. More than likely, though, it’s going to teach a valuable lesson about taking care of your things if you don’t want them to die.
Nothing is better than knowing your friends will step on and have Legos lodged in their feet around 1am as they have to walk through a floor littered with toys just to go pee. Does anything hurt quite like smashing your foot into a Lego? On the plus side, you’re giving the gift of engineering skills to the kids, practically guaranteeing them a well-paying and in-demand career.
10. Cow Goes Moo Or Other Speaking Games
One of my fondest childhood memories is playing with one of these games/educational tools around age 4. I was pressing the sound button over and over, resulting in the computer voice correcting me again, and again, and again. After about five minutes of this, my father screamed from the other room “HOLY SH*T ENOUGH!” If you, too, want to bestow beautiful memories like this on your friends and their children, I highly suggest gifts like this.
Images: Rick Mason, Unsplash; Giphy (3); Amazon (8)
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