Woodstock 50 Is Going To Be The Next Fyre Festival Betches

Despite how many influencers go to Coachella every year, the original Woodstock is still the most iconic music festival of all time. In August 1969, over 400,000 people made their way to upstate New York for a music festival that would be a defining moment in the counterculture generation. Over the years, there have been various revivals of the Woodstock festival, and this year, to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Woodstock, is going to be the biggest of them all: Woodstock 50. Well, it’s supposed to be the biggest, but right now it’s looking like a total sh*tshow. Let’s examine what’s going on with what may end up being the Fyre Festival of upstate New York. Earlier this year, Michael …

‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: We Found Jesus In The Shower

The BacheloretteBachelortearsI’m slightly more hopeful for despite the fact that I’m already mentally preparing myself to hear the phrase “Roll Tide!” no less than 1,000 times in this two-hour episode. In case anyone forgot, yes, Hannah B aka Alabama Hannah aka Little Miss Professional Runner-Up is the new Bachelorette! I feel like this season we might be in for a real treat and get a more down-to-earth, can’t-be-swayed-by-the-Flat-Tummy-Tea-deals type of Bachelorette, or we’ll get the type who won’t be able to speak words. As I said, a real treat! Just to set the mood for you guys, my dog, after seeing me break open a bottle of rosé and hearing the beginnings of Chris Harrison’s opening monologue, has already fled …

How Millennials Are Changing The Way We Approach Weddings Betches

The sun is shining. The flowers are blooming. The weather is still unpredictable but just stable enough to convince people to host outdoor events without any kind of backup plan. It can all only mean one thing: wedding season is upon us. In news that should surprise no one but will probably anger baby boomers somewhere, millennials are changing up the way we approach weddings. Crazy, right? That an entirely new generation, more diverse than any to come before it and with different entirely socioeconomic backgrounds, might have a few differing opinions from people who got married 50 years ago? Progress is scary. To prepare for the seemingly endless parade of undying love we’re all about to embark on, we …

What The Royal Babys Birth Chart Predicts About His Personality

On Monday, May 6 at 5:26 a.m. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, the Duchess and Duke of Sussex, welcomed a baby boy—jolting our collective ovaries and filling our Instagram feeds with congratulatory posts. The royal baby is seventh in line for the throne, and the eighth great-grandchild for Queen Elizabeth. And while most are busy waiting for a photo and a name reveal, thanks to astrology and the birth time, we’re already able to take a deeper look into the royal baby’s personality and what his relationships with his parents might be like. We are pleased to announce that Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Sussex welcomed their firstborn child in the early morning on May 6th, 2019. …

The Met Gala Worst-Dressed List: Does Anyone Understand Camp? Betches

Ah, the Met Gala. Every year, on the first Monday in May, the top names in fashion and entertainment gather to celebrate how rich and hot they are, and it’s always a treat. I mean, it’s technically a fundraiser, but we’re all here for the dresses. Year after year, the world’s best designers give us some serious couture looks based on whatever the theme is, and this year was no different. The thing is, this year’s theme (Camp: Notes on Fashion) was kind of an enigma. What exactly is camp? It’s hard to describe, but it’s basically an art that celebrates all things wild, over the top, ironic, and tacky. No, it doesn’t have anything to do with tie-dye or bonfires. …

Let’s F*cking Calm Down About Kylie’s Instagram Caption Betches

I guess I will just assume my role as the Betches resident Kylie Jenner response team (of one), because today everyone on the damn internet was in a frenzy about Kylie Jenner’s Instagram tribute to Travis Scott. First of all, now that I used the phrase “everyone on the damn internet” in earnest, please change my name to Gertrude and my age to 80, effective immediately. *Shakes fist at the sky* Great, now that you all have gotten off my lawn, let’s take a moment to dissect the caption that Kylie Jenner posted in honor of Travis Scott’s birthday. Travis turned 28 years old today, and Kylie is only 21, a fact that slightly shocks me, even though I definitely …

Who’s Confirmed For Bachelor In Paradise Season 6? Betches

I’ll go ahead and share an unpopular opinion: summer is kind of a trash season. Sure, the first month of day drinking out in the sun is fun—but the next two months are exhausting. By the time August rolls around, there’s literally nothing I’d rather do than curl up in an air-conditioned room and binge on Bachelor in Paradise. Since we have to suffer through another round of The Bachelorette before ABC will give us what we really want, they’re keeping Bachelor in Paradise season 6 cast decisions pretty quiet for now. But because I’m ~that bitch~ I decided to creep around the internet anyway and see what I could find out. Here’s who you should (and shouldn’t) expect to see on Bachelor in Paradise season 6. …

The Most Embarrassing Celebrity Sex Stories Betches

I’m sure we all have our fair share of awkward sex stories. Maybe it was when you lost your virginity and he poked around for 10 minutes trying to find the hole with no luck. Or maybe it was last week when your period came early all over his white sheets. I’m honestly cringing just thinking about it all of my embarrassing sex stories (and trust me, there are a lot). But once you get past the embarrassment of accidentally letting one rip while you’re doing it, it makes for a great story down the line. And what’s better than your own embarrassing sex stories?  Embarrassing celebrity sex stories. Whether it makes them seem more human or makes me feel better …

An Influencer Faked Going To Coachella For The Likes Betches

Is there anything we as a society love more than influencers and scams? Speaking for myself, no. And when influencers and scams unite into one story, it provides a hate-follow synergy that is just unparalleled (like when a fake influencer got arrested or an influencer charged her fans hundreds of dollars for a scam course or Fyre Festival happened). So this latest story brings me the most joy, because an influencer faked going to Coachella just for the Instagrams. I want to be mad, but honestly I’m not even mad. The influencer’s name is Gabbie Hanna, and she has a cool 3.8 million Instagram followers. The New York Post called her Australian, but Wikipedia says she’s from Pennsylvania. So what is …

Scott Disick Is Coming For Chip & Joanna Gaines Empire Betches

Kanye’s Sunday serviceKim becoming the next Elle WoodsKhloe’s latest photo edit abominationE!Flip it Like DisickAccording to , the show is like but for the stars, and it will showcase Scott Disick’s “passion for luxury real estate and house flipping.” That’s right, the man who once said “I’m a big star, I don’t need to be dealing with you peasants” is essentially going to take on the role of the help and fix up his famous friends’ houses. K. And for those of you who thought Scott Disick’s talents were more in the realm of riding on the coattails of his ex-girlfriend’s fame and drinking on private planes than flipping houses, then shame on you! Apparently The Lord has been dabbling …

Game of Thrones Recap: Everybody Gets A Reunion! Betches

Welcome back, my friends. The day has finally come. After two long years, we’ve made it to the final season of Game of Thrones. Who’s ready for six straight weeks of anxiety and general despair, followed by a life-long hole in your heart where this show used to belong? Just me? Cool, cool. There will be a lot of emotional introspection as this final season plays out, but I’d like to start by saying it’s been both an honor and a privilege to spend the last four years watching and recapping this show alongside you all, butchering the names of the characters and pushing my pro-Daario Naharis agenda alike. Thank you for joining me on this journey, and for only …

The Unrealistic Things Celebrities Do To Get Fit Betches

As a Pilates Instructor in NYC, a lot of my clients come to me with requests for a Beyoncé butt or Carrie Underwood’s arms. And that’s great—there will always be workouts to pump up your peach and tone your triceps. But it’s also not so great when you start to compare yourself to celebrities who have pretty much unlimited resources at their beck and call to get super fit. If you’ve ever been frustrated while scrolling through Instagram wondering why, despite your best efforts, you don’t have the body of your favorite girl crush, let me break down all the crazy things that give celebs the upper hand. If you’re trying to lose weight or improve your physical fitness, you should …

All The Reasons The Internet Thinks Kylie Jenner Is Pregnant Again Betches

thNot that I would ever admit this to anyone I actually know IRL, but I have a soft spot for Kylie Jenner. Her life could have gone down so many different paths. Would she make a sex tape like her sister? Would she continue to be an insufferable brat like she was when she was 16, dating Tyga and complaining about how hard it was to find the right house to move into? Would she ever admit anything real about her life, like her lip injections, her pregnancy, or her feelings about her relationship with Caitlyn? The deepest insight we really ever got into how she feels about anything is her classic line “I wasn’t meant to be famous,” which …

The 7 Craziest Celebrity Stalker Stories Betches

I don’t know if you guys heard, but last week, Kendall Jenner’s stalker was arrested by ICE. This revolting man, John Ford, is the guy who allegedly showed up at her pool and on her porch on two separate occasions. I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice, but thankfully that crazy mofo was here illegally, so he’s getting deported. This is surely a huge relief for Kendall and the whole Kardashian clan. According to TMZ, ICE “made it clear” that had this guy stayed in the country, there “could have been a tragedy.” I mean, no sh*t. Why wasn’t he imprisoned after the first couple times he was caught? Kendall’s story isn’t even close to one of the craziest celeb …

Which ‘Bachelor’ Couples Are Actually Getting Married? Betches

It’s been a week since we watched Cassie take Colton back on the finale of The Bachelor, and they’re definitely still in the honeymoon phase. Or, more accurately, they’re in the let’s post on Instagram nonstop so everyone thinks we’re super happy phase, but it’s just as annoying. But how long will it last? Will Colton and Cassie even get engaged, or will they just fade into the background of failed Bachelor couples? Only time will tell, but this got me thinking about some of the other recent-ish Bachelor couples that we don’t hear much about. Some of the answers are obvious, like Arie and Lauren (married with a baby on the way), or Nick and Vanessa (probably haven’t spoken in a year), but other couples are …

Is 2019 The Year Of The Scam? Betches

We’re mere months into 2019, and already this year is shaping up to be messier than my IG stories after 12am. If you haven’t been paying attention, then I’m of course referring to the unprecedented amount of scam scandals that have fed my will to live the media cycle over the past few months. First, the Fyre Festival documentaries dropped, and I’ve never felt more alive than I did watching a bunch of rich millennials resort to looting and petty thievery for a roll of toilet paper. Then Aunt Becky got caught bribing colleges because her daughter wanted to go to frat parties at USC, and now HBO just dropped a new documentary about disgraced CEO/Silicon Valley “It Girl” Elizabeth …